The holidays are coming...

The holidays are coming and you all know what that means! You're nice to everyone except your family! Hahaha

I have been successfully avoiding the bullshit. I'm just not going to put up with it, why? Because I sure as fuck don't have to. We are only on this planet for a short while and that can be taken at any moment so I'm just going to live my life and have fun. Fuck everything else.

If you are not good to me, don't be surprised when I don't come around. I'm so tired of people being rude. Or constantly needing something. Like seriously? I tell you my car doesn't work and then I do not hear from you at all. Go fuck yourself.

How about those great people that make plans with you and then forget they did because they were wasted and then treat you like the asshole. That's nice. Real nice. You're such a great sister. Glad I didn't waste my time growing up with you in my life. All I ever wanted was a little sister and then, when I'm an adult I meet my little sister, and guess what!?!? She's a fucking rude, drunk, bitch. It's so awesome. Not.

Then we've got the ones who do not talk to me at all but as soon as the holidays roll around they want to dictate where the fuck I go and how I spend my holiday. No. Just no. You can fuck off too.

Anyways, happy fucking holidays. Family sucks.

Side note- my mom is amazing and my grama is my world. They do not fall into the "others"

Fuck that rude ass bitch!

Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously! My favorite fucking coffee place and now I can not go there anymore at all because the assistant manager was such a rude fucking bitch to me. I absolutely sent an email about her. She has talked to me multiple times a week for many months and she thinks it's fucking ok to be so rude to a really good customer! Fuck her! I am going to keep writing about it and sending them emails. Yes I'm being that fucking customer but I am so pissed off about this its not OK!!!!! That is my fucking spot. My favorite fucking coffee. Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!

A letter to the Governor, Jay Inslee

To Governor Jay Inslee,

I was recently informed that you signed off on a computation to release Jeremy Johnson early from his sentence of 30 years for his involvement in the August 20, 1995 shooting in Spokane, WA. He will be released in 2017 instead of 2025. To you that may not seem like a very long time but to me, it means everything.

I'm Sabrina Lewin, one of the victims of his crime. Let me tell you a little bit about my life and what his actions have caused. I was shot 3 times in this drive-by. My right knee, my left hip which stopped in my bladder, and my left shoulder where the bullet traveled up to my spine and stopped on a disc in my neck.  It was with a 9mm with armor piercing bullets so they went through the car door like it was nothing. The pain was immeasurable, the recovery worse. I was in surgery for so long they had to leave the bullet in my neck and eventually removed it about 3 months later. When I had this surgery I was told I had a 50/50 chance of being paralyzed from the neck down. Luckily my surgeon was amazing and I am not paralyzed. I've had many surgeries and years of physical therapy. Literally every single step I take hurts. I can't walk up and down stairs like a normal person, you should try spending one day just walking up and down stairs only using your left leg then you'll understand how frustrating that really is. I have to force myself and consciously decide to use both legs and then the fear of falling is very real for me for when my knee randomly decided to give out. I do not have full use of my left arm from where the bullet sliced the nerve to the second largest muscle in my back on that side. From the bullet landing in my neck, I do not have full rotation and am constantly plagged with headaches. Being shot in my hip makes it ache, what's worse tho is that it stopped in my bladder and now have a scar on it which makes my have to go to the bathroom on a seconds notice. I have PTSD. PTSD is horrifying and makes me relive those moments when I last expect it.

Of course Jeremy Johnson was not the one who's bullets struck me as that was Jose Mendoza. The only reason I am here tho is because Jeremy Johnson's gun jammed after the first bullet. Had his gun not jammed the survival rate of this story would be entirely different. I'm hoping since you signed off on him being released early that you actually read the whole story of what happened. But if not let me recap for you. He threatened us, yelling, screaming and waving a gun around and then he left. He left. That should've been where it stopped but it isn't. He left and went and got his friends and guns and came back to hunt us down to murder us. He claimed he didn't know there were girls in the car. He and the driver of the case I was riding had disliked each other since kindergarten. This act was a long time coming on his part towards the driver of our car. He knew he hated him for years. He was out for vengeance against a childhood squabble. Jeremy Johnson is the reason I got shot. He is the one who drove around searching for us to kill us. He is the one who made this whole event happen. He was involved in gangs at that point. He was into hardcore drugs. And he is the one who wanted us dead for being in the car with the person he had a problem with.

I am the one who has suffered tremendous amounts of pain, fear, hurt, the destruction of my body. I lost so much that day and the judge who ruled the case understood what a cold, calculating individual he was. I'll never forget sitting in court and watching Jeremy Johnson smile about what he did to us. He smiled. Why is he getting out early? Why is part of my justice being taken away from me? He should've only been able to get 15% of his time off for good behavior. Not 8 years off. I don't get time off from my pain. I don't get time off from the PTSD. Every single moment of my life is affected because of what he did.

As we fast forward to things that have later been discovered to be repercussions of this event here is 4. I've had 4 miscarriages meaning I lost 4 children that I should've been able to watch grow up in this world but now will never know.  In hip trauma there's a little thing called adhesions that start to form and eventually they wrapped themselves around my entire uterus causing me to lose every child I had hoped to have.  Being a mother was taken from when I was too young to understand how much I really wanted my own family. I will never have my own children because of the actions of Jeremy Johnson.

I always have to be strong in front of my mom even when I don't want to be because a mother shouldn't suffer the way my mom has because of his actions. I can't imagine how hard this has been for my mom to watch her child lay close to death in a hospital bed bleeding everywhere. Her listening to me scream out in pain and the mere touch of a hand on the bed I lay in. The not knowing if the next surgery would be successful or not. Even now when my mother informed that the Victims of Violent Crimes contacted her to let us know about your decision to let him out early, even now I stay strong so she doesn't have to suffer more because of my being upset. But I am upset. I'm horrified. I'm terrified. I'm appalled and disgusted that you would release him early.

I had not even thought about how him being released in 10 years was going to affect me because it seemed so far off. This year is my 20 year survival date. This year has been really hard for me with the knowledge of it being this long and hope intense it still is constantly, every single day for me and now my security had been taken from me earlier than it should have been. I felt safe knowing he was locked up. I do not feel safe knowing he's getting out early. The judge was right in sentencing him the amount of time he did and you are wrong for letting him out early.

I am a victim of a violent crime. I deserve the justice that our court system deemed fair. You were not there, yet you release him early? How could you? Why would you treat the victims of a violent crime this way? Did you even take the time to find out about the victims and how your decision would impact us? My security, my safety have been cast aside in your carless signature on that document. He shouldn't get out early. My life is a daily struggle. It is hard enough as it is without Jeremy Johnson getting out early. Now my PTSD is on high alert. I've cried so much from horror of what you have made happen in his pending release.

Even with everything that has happened to me and the atrocities that occurred to me, I am still the type of person to love every minute of life no matter how difficult it is. I hope that there was some reason that you thought he was deserving of his freedom because at this moment, as his victim, I do not comprehend how you could have signed off on this. If there was ever a moment in your life where you felt a victim shouldn't be victimized more, then you need to do something to fix the wrong you have done. I don't deserve this. I deserve the justice the judge ordered. It's not right. It's not fair. I'm the victim of a violent crime and you cast me aside to let a felon out of prison early.

He's being released early...

It's something I haven't even thought about. I felt secure and safe knowing they were in prison. Yesterday I find out one of them is getting out early... He's getting released early... How can this be?

His sentence: 30 years. It's only been 20. I don't get time off from the pain you forced into my life, why should you get time off from your sentence? It's not right. You did this. You made this happen. This is more your fault than the guy who's gun didn't jam. Yours jammed or we would all be dead. You had the problem with our driver. You left. You went and got guns and your friends. You searched and hunted for us. Found us. Drove up, passed us and sprayed the car with bullets. You were the one who made this happen. You were the one who changed everything about my life. And now you are the one getting out early? That's not right. That's not ok. That's not fair.

I've heard rumors from the victims advocate people of you trying to get out early for years because you found God. If you truly found God then you would know you're right where you should be. Don't claim to have found God but aren't willing to do His work in prison where you deserve to be. You wanna play the holy man now? Then why aren't you doing everything in your power to help other people in prison while you finish serving the sentence the judge gave you. How can you say you have found God when your only goal is to be out of prison? That's not what finding God means. You did this specifically so you could get out of prison early.

You are a cold, calculated animal. You hunted us and you tried to murder us. You claimed you didn't know there was girls in the car and we all know that's a bullshit story right there. You are the reason I got shot 3 times in a drive-by. You are the reason that every single step I take is painful. You are the reason I have PTSD. You are the reason I'm not the girl I used to be.

And yet... They're releasing you early?

I haven't thought about it, about how it would make my feel once you did finish serving your sentence. It really hasn't crossed my mind. I've felt safe knowing you were locked up. I've felt confident knowing you couldn't hurt me or anyone else. I felt safe. Felt. Not now. Definitely not now. Nope, not at all. Now I feel horrified. Now I have a 2 year stretch of feeling nervous waiting for you to get out... Waiting.. Not knowing what will happen.

I hope that you really do want to be a better person and be a productive member of society, but reality is you hunted us down and tried to murder us.

I'm horrified that you will be getting out in 2 years.

Always with the histrionics

Sometimes people just don't get my sarcasm. Oops, sorry not sorry you're just being bitchy.

Go the fuck to bed, get some fucking sleep and stop being so fucking cranky.

This is what happens when friends fall apart and life happens and all the sudden you're no longer best friends. Shit happens.

As someone who is supposed to know me so well, you should understand my humor. But you don't.  So whatever. I'm not gonna deal with the pissyness. Night.

Morning inspiration

Good morning!

You are amazing!

I hope that you have a wonderful day today! You never know what the world has in store for you so make the absolute best out of any situation and have fun!

Life is short... Or long depending on your situation but here's the thing, no one's getting out alive. We will all die someday. So live it. Love this amazing planet. Follow who you are! Be amazing!

Is there something you've been interested in? Someone? Want to learn something new? Be something different? Get yourself in better shape? Well go right ahead and go for it! Make this life the life you love!

Smooches ♥ Have a nice day!

It felt like a horror story

Being in a situation you can not leave and no one will come to your rescue. This was my Alaska vacation with my so called family. These are not my family in the sense of growing up my whole life with them as a major part of it. No. These people I never spent much time with ...and that was my first mistake in not taking into account before I accepted the invite to Alaska.

I never should have gone with them. From the second they showed up at the airport they were arguing. I mean come on! We're supposed to be going on this epic trip to Alaska as a family for the first time ever! But no, they wanna fucking argue the whole time. People that are bad to children will never have my respect. How you treat them says everything about you. I don't condone the behavior I was witness to. Why am I always the one to see things happen? Yes, I speak up. No, it doesn't change anything.

Let's add alcohol to the situation. I'm all for having drinks and having a great time... I'm not OK with drunk, rude, screaming fighters. Seriously! I don't want to fucking listen to you guys be rude as fuck to each other non stop. Fuck off with that shit! You're being a fucking asshole to each other, the kids, me. Have some respect for yourself and everyone else. Of course no one ever apologises for how they act the next day. Never.

Days of fighting, give me a break. Thanks for hoping in the truck I can't get into because I'm handicapped and leaving me alone at the campsite in the backwoods of Alaska... I was fine with it at first... But then this toothless golddigger showed up and was pissed about me being there with all this stuff. I was by myself. He was fucking pissed. I tried letting him know who my dad was and that made him more mad because he was squatting on the guys site and did not have permission to be there. I sat in the camper and waited while this guy angrily moved as much as he could. About a half hour or so. Then my "family" shows up. We moved camp about a block ish away from that crazy guy to some other spot we supposedly had permission to be at. No one cared that I was crying and having a panic attack.

They don't understand what a panic attack is. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My world was closing in on me and not one of them would take me away from there. I just needed to leave. To get as far away from that fucked up situation as possible and all I got was NO. A couple of days more, I still want to leave. Please just drive me into town and drop me off at a hotel. No. Finally I was allowed to get a cabin just a little farther into the backwoods. But still not allowed to leave. I begged. I was guilt tripped for wanting to. Fine. And then they go and do the 7 hour round trip into town to get beer and ice. I wasn't allowed to go. What the fuck! Are you kidding me? You'll go get beer and ice but refused to take me into town? I don't want to be here anymore.

After we finally got back, I got a hotel but I slept in the back of a Ford explorer for 7 days. Me and my handicappedness. They have no fucking idea how absolutely hard that physically is on me. They know I got shot but they don't know a fucking thing about how hard my life really is. They wouldn't be able to understand because first of all, they don't give a fuck about anything except alcohol. They really talk so terrible all the time. It's just sad.

So here's the thing... I vented on my Instagram. I didn't actually say anything that bad. I mean it was all true.. So I'm sorry if you don't like the truth. I didn't even write all the bad stuff on here. I have my limits on what I share. Some things just piss me off so much I won't write about them. So one person saw what I wrote... Then made everyone else read it. Are you fucking kidding me? None of those people are on there and you are going to go snitch about it to everyone? Dude! Fucking come to me first and tell me what an ass I am for writing it but to go and make my dad fucking read that? Fuck you, you fucking bitch! My bad for being pissed about how fucked up y'all act towards me and each other.

How the hell am I supposed to go face these people now.. Oh right, I have to walk into a room full of people and apologize to them for venting about what a bad time this vacation nightmare from hell has been. Oops, my bad. Sure, I'll apologize for writing it on a social site. But notice I never once apologized for writing it. I need to get to the airport so I'll play nice. Thanks for never apologizing for all the rude, inconsiderate, despicable shit you've done to me and in front of me but sure, I'll apologize to you.

On the ride to the airport my lovely "dad" thinks it's funny to tell me what a bitch I am and everyone else laughs about it too. Yes, I had a witty comeback however, fuck you! You're supposed to be my fucking dad! Remember the time I didn't talk to you for years because you called me every name in the book. Well guess what, this was your second chance and now you can fuck the fuck off.

When the plane landed, I said "Bye", didn't wait for a response and bounced! Found my husband, got my luggage and was gone before they even made it to baggage claim. I have ignored the calls from my biological father. I have a dad, he's the man who raised, not that piece of shit who donated his sperm. The rest of my "family" from that trip are no longer my family. Unfortunately there's always ones that you will miss and it will be sad missing them grow up but I cannot participate in the lifestyle in which they live.

It's done. It's over. It was light the entire time I was there. Flashlight was useless. I learned a lot about myself and others. It was beautiful. The company was a nightmare. They treated me horribly and don't even realize how horrible they treat people. It's sad. But I must move on from these people and never involve myself with them again. No more.

I have a story to tell

I have a story to tell about my trip to Alaska... Or should I say nightmare? I'm not posting the story today because it's something I will need to take my time writing but I will write about it.

A few key points. There are certain things I don't condone. I'm not OK with being the one to deal with other people's bullshit. And lastly, when I'm done I'm fucking done and I'm not into being forced to stay in a situation I am not OK with.

Also this "vacation" has changed my life and I've decided to cut these people out of my life going forward.

Don't bust the zipper

So today, my friend and I went shopping for a girls night out event, all around downtown. We shopped, we ate, we laughed and had fun. It was a great time buying random things and getting free goodies at the participating stores.

However, at one store, my friend and I decided to try on a couple of dresses. And as I'm asking my friend to help me and zip up the back, the Lady says to me be careful and don't bust the zipper... Umm no shit lady, I'm not gona force it if it doesn't fit. I'm not stupid. But thank you so much for pointing out the fact that I'm fat and you think that I'm going to bust the fucking zipper on the dress. It was very rude and it sure as fuck hurt my feelings.

I get it, I'm fat. I'm also handicapped but people don't see that when they look at me. They just see a fat girl and make assumptions. The reason, I needed help zipping up the back is because I can't bend my arm behind me anymore after getting shot in the shoulder which traveled up to the spine in my neck. It really frustrates me when people treat me badly because of my weight. I don't want to be fat, I just am. I would love to have a body that didn't hurt every single time I take step, but I don't. Wanting that is only a dream. My reality is pain, for the rest of my life.

I live in pain every single day so the last thing I want is someone to make me feel bad when trying on a fucking dress. It's a fucking dress! Now, because of that rude sales person, I will always remember how horrible she made me feel.

Today was a blast minus that one moment but that one moment was so very hurtful.

This evening as I scroll through Facebook, I see a post my uncle wrote about almost everyone being out to meet his birth uncle. Recently my uncle has been meeting his whole birth family, I'm very happy he had this opportunity but now our family means nothing to him anymore. It hurts my heart so much to see the way he treats my grama, his mom that raised him his whole life. It hurts my heart that he no longer cares about any of us and acts like we are nothing after growing up together and always knowing him as my family.

Family. He invited everyone else out but me. He's ignored me for awhile now. I shouldn't take offense but I sure as fuck do. Supposed to be my family, supposed to always be there, but now he doesn't care. I thought we would always be close but now we're not. All those times he was such a jerk to me for years on end and I kept letting it go because we are family... Well now I wonder why I even cared because he obviously doesn't.

That's fine. You live your life and I'll live mine but the thing is, is you're being a fucking jerk. There was one time he went through some shit and we all showed up and he even admitted that he couldn't believe we were all there because he would never be there like that for anyone. Welp, it's still true. He'll never be there for the ones who were always there for him.

Sigh.... So much fun was had today, yet my heart is heavy tonight. My feelings were hurt over a dress. So rude. My feelings were hurt over not being invited out. So sad we're not the family we once were.

Tomorrow I'm off to film a movie and let these people go from my life.

Yellow flowers of happy!

Love my beautiful flowers!

Yellow flowers are like sunshine!

Late night filming

Brrrrr! It sure was cold when we were filming out at the lake house all night! The sun was just beginning to rise when I finally got to go to sleep.

It is so much fun having the honor to make movies with such a great group of people! Olympia in obscura!

It's a busy life

It's a busy life I live... Supposedly! Lol I'm actually pretty chill. I do a lot but I also do a whole life of nothing!

Adventure!

Film making!

Shopping! YaY shopping!

Anywho hope y'all have a great night and sweet dreams bunny muffins. Smooches :-* I've got to work in the AM... Lame.

NTHS shooting 4-27-15

A kid, that's right another kid, takes a gun to school and shots are fired. Thankfully a teacher, Mr. Olson, tackled the student and prevented him from injuring anyone or himself.

My cousin attends school there. She was put in lockdown and terrified. I hate that my beautiful cousin has had to go through this. Unfortunately, this is something that will always be with her now. Those poor students having to go through that when they are supposed to be in a safe place to learn and grow into amazing young adults.

Lately, it seems as tho this world is becoming increasingly violent. No one has regard for human life. It's sad.

For me, I've already been having severe PTSD problems lately after hearing gunshots outside my bedroom window a month ago. Having been shot multiple times in a drive-by, I know first hand how difficult the lasting effects of the traumatic incident can be. So much violence. It's ripping me apart. I'm so emotional lately and all I want is to be strong. Just to move past it and not think about it but it seems like gun violence is being thrown in my face way too often. I probably just need to talk about it with someone or do something to help someone else.

I left town this weekend so I could reset my internal center. Unfortunately, a school shooting has taken me right back to were I was when I got shot in 1995.

I worry for my family, my friends and myself. I truly hope my cousin can remain strong. She deserves a safe school. Why? Why does this keep happening? Children should be safe at school. If it means metal detectors and searching every single person to enter the building, so be it. Just make them safe!

As for me, I'm tired of being freaked out. I'm tired of always pretending to be strong when I'm crying on the inside. There has got to be a give. There has got to be something... Anything.. I don't need meds, that's a sugar coating to a real problem. I need to help other victims because by helping them, I can help myself.

No one wants to read this

Nobody wants to read anything I have to say... Why you don't ask?
Because nobody gives a flying fuck about what I have to say.

I'm frustrated. I feel like I fucking hate so many people. All those fucking people I've been there for... Where the fuck are they when I need someone? No where to be found.

So here I am, upset but all I want is happiness. So I'm going to steal my happiness back. And whatever I do to make that happen, so be it. My life.

It really is hard having PTSD.

I hate being mad at my BFF or what I thought was that. But seriously, ignore me when I'm having the first full blown PTSD attack in years and then pretend you get that message late evening the next day. The fuck you did. Because literally days later I watch you ignore your phone and say you'll just act like you didn't get it when another of our friends needed you. Then you wanna be snippy with me about other stupid shit. I get it, you've got a lot going on but so do I! And if I can not count on you when I need you then you are not my best friend. Have I stopped texting you so much? Have I stopped telling you things about my life? That's because nobody gives a fuck.

People always say if you need me, I'll be there for you. Well that's just not true. Why? Because nobody fucking cares!

How to get your happy back

How to get your happy back... I kinda need to do this again.

1) Get the fuck out and do something
2) Force yourself to change
3) Do not surround yourself with assholes
4) Be positive
5) Choose the right friends
6) coffee
7) coffee... Because it should be on here twice!
8) Talk to someone
9) Seriously just go!!!

Ugh, I'm seriously just unhappy as of late. Seems like it's always one thing or another trying to steal my happiness. Well fuck you happy thieves! This is my fucking life and I choose to be happy!

Nobody gives a shit

Like seriously, nobody fucking cares. Nobody. Sometimes I get really sick n fucking tired of everyone coming to me about their fucking problems, yet none of those fucking people are ever there for me when I'm having a hard time. No one. Not my husband, not my mom, not my best friends, not even the random people I let come around to smoke with me. Nope, none. If I say anything has bothered me it's right onto whatever their fucking problem is. Jerks, I need people too. I need someone to care, someone to listen ... Just someone to give a fuck. Ok, I lied, there is one who cares, my puppy but that's not the same as a human being.

PTSD is a bitch. I know I need someone and I've reached out and gotten nothing in return. So here I am, on the world wide web, writing my heart out because I have to release it somehow. It's better than just letting it bottle up inside, at least this way I am able to express my feelings and emotions even if no one reads it or if they do they don't give a fuck either. I am here. I have a problem. I have no support. I've asked for it but nobody actually knows how to be there for me when I need it.

The other night as I just lay down and grab my stuffed animal to get cozy and fall asleep, I hear gunshots. Multiple gunshots outside my window. My phone starts ringing instantly as my grama calls because she heard it to from her room downstairs. I look out the window and don't see anyone or signs of anyone having been there. I call my husband since he was home, across the street in our house. He answers and then proceeds to tell me "well I didn't hear anything" I give a fuck that you didn't hear it, you were sleeping. Making me feel like he didn't believe me when I was having a full blown panic attack because of what I just heard, pisses me off more than he will ever know. Obviously I had stayed at my grama's that night. As I was almost ready for sleep when this happened, my night stretched on forever. I looked out all the windows about 40 times. When I heard it, it took me a moment to realize I hadn't just been shot again. Had my grama not called immediately, I probably would have laid there paralyzed in fear. But I was up, I was shaking and when I called for reassurance I was not believed.
I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I'm feeling resentment and hatefulness. And I don't fucking like it.

I text my best friend after it happened she didn't respond to me until the next day at 5. It happened at 1am. Bullshit she didn't notice my text until then. I get that she has major stuff going on right now but SOB she's supposed to at least respond to me.

As my whole next day seriously sucked, nobody cared. Nobody. Nobody understands what it's like to be shot in a drive-by and nobody understands how absolutely fucking hard it is to live with it daily. So of course not a single person would understand that when gunshots are popped off right outside my bedroom window that it would make me crumble. I appear strong and always smiling as I hide the demons inside. I do this because I want to be happy and if I keep telling myself I am then eventually I will be. But there are times I would just like someone to be like how are you really? But no one ever will be. My husband didn't even ask how I was the next day when I had specifically said to him I was having a panic attack. Really, not even gona ask? Whatever. Everybody suck's.

So here I am letting my life out through the internet with no one to actually care about me or talk to me about the problems I face.

Tomorrow will be different as I will have forced myself to move forward but deep down I'll just know, the only one here for me is me.

Weekend fun

What a fun weekend♥ I don't usually go out and drink much anymore but Friday, I spent the day at the bar with my girly friend with the blue hair, love her! We played pool and had drinks, hung out and smoked with our pink haired friend, live her too. Then we headed downtown to another bar and had some yummys and more drinks and ima tell you I absolutely never ever ever ever ever EVER drink Froot Loops Vodka again. It's terrible. Like my blue haired friend said, leave that to the children.... Yes we're horrible and by children we mean 21 year old kids because we old.

Hilariously, one girl totally asked of we were together lol nope, not at all. We laughed pretty good about that one. We made her take a bunch of jello shots with us. My tongue turned blue. Like seriously blue hahaha!!!!

Went for a drive in the rain today.... and wow was it raining! I mean ultimate downpour, the drive down to my friends house wasn't so bad but holy mother of all rain rain rain the drive home sucked!

All in all it was an excellent weekend ♥ Smooches my friends

♥ Confessions of a Fat Girl ♥

♥Fat girl confessions♥

♥ I'm eating a cookie and it's delicious! I'll probably have another one after this because it is so yummy in my tummy ♥

♥ When people talk about "cleansing" diets, like that lemonade only thing for a week, I think "I'm good, I don't do anorexia" ♥

♥ I love salads and ice water, BLTs and carrots but I also love everything else except gross stuff and that is entirely subject to my opinion at the moment it's in front of me♥

♥ I will be the first person to talk bad about fat people and their clothing choices.... You're fat. Dress adorable but dress well. MooMoo's are never acceptable♥

♥ I'm fat. So? ♥

♥ Skinny people look like they're sick. Then there's the healthnut obsessors, yikes they're just kinda.. Umm..yea... And the gymrats a bit much with those muscles yo ♥

♥ Shopping for clothes suck's. Like seriously suck's. They never, I repeat NEVER, fit right. Ever.♥

♥ I get hangry when I'm hungry and that means, feed me. For reals, I need good food and something to drink. I'm fat, I gota sustain♥

♥eye rolling will happen if you complain about being fat when you're a size 7. You are not fat, you are asking for a compliment and being rude. You should be fat if you're going to call yourself fat♥

♥I'm eating another cookie♥

♥ I'm fat because I eat, a lot. I'm more active than a lot of skinny people I know, I go on mad adventures all the time♥

And this has been the first of 'Confessions of a Fat Girl'♥ Smooches♥

Still Staticly Frustrationable .....Grrr

Still Staticly Frustrationable ...Grrr

The things I did today did not help in changing this plague of an attitude I have lately. That overly staticy feeling, the frustration of feeling frazzled to no end. Everything is annoying, even the sounds of the world from voices to the sound of the refrigerator running. It's all irritating. Choosing what I do for the day will play an important role in changing this emotion in my life at this time. Tomorrow, I will go in search of her...

... The girl I used to be. She seems a little farther away today than she did yesterday. That makes my heart hurt and I can slightly feel a cringe in my eye like something's about to leak. I need a good nights sleep. You know, one of those nights that when you awake, you feel energized and ready to take on the world... I really want one of those. Hopefully tonight will change my demeanor, make me have the desire to find myself again and let that girl I used to be reign throughout me forever!

So tonight I shall eat some cookies that my husband made for me and hang out with one of my bestest friends in this amazing planet we're a part of. So good night and hopefully tomorrow I find her, the girl I used to be...

Selfie fun

This night was a karaoke night for one of my girlys birthdays. We had fun, drank and screamed like silly wooo girls :-*

Everything Feels Static-E Lately

Everything feels static-E lately...

That's about the only way to explain how it feels inside my head. Agitated, jumpy, splitting an overall static of constant nonsense from frustrated, obnoxious, annoyed to happy, excited, loving. I don't like it. Makes me feel argumentative when I see something that's just not right and it's making me really want to just tell people off about their stupidity or rudeness or no reason at all. I'm mad. I feel it in my blood. Deep down, it's there stirring my emotions of how everything has gone throughout the years, it makes me angry. I need to move on...

... Into a happier era. One where I feel free to be me. The girl I used to be. I miss her. It's like she gets lost sometimes but eventually pops her head back up and then she's there and I'm trying to hold on, to keep her with me. I don't want to loose her again, I want to hold on tight and never let her go. So I'm going to try to be the girl I used to be with happiness and cheer and all those wonderful things I hold so dear. A struggle to hold on, to remember what she was and how she viewed the world... but I see her, right there! She's there, so close yet just a bit out of reach.

Maybe when I reach her, the static will stop. She is the key of who I was and always want to be. So please excuse me while I venture into this realm in search of the girl I used to be :-*

Saturday night- Date night

So the hubby and I went on a date. Classic let's go to the movies kinda date. It was fun going out. The movie was ok, not my kind of style for filming tho. I just do not like the handheld video camera crap. Gives me a headache.

We saw 'Project Almanac'

Out of high five, I'll give it a side five to the left. Just not very great. Good acting for the most part... Except one of the 5 main actors. He just seemed scurred and didn't flow with the rest of the cast. I absolutely hate handheld shooting, it looks like crap. The plot was decent but I feel like it should have been something more intense to it.

So we're home now and the hubby decides he's going to wash my car so it looks nice for tomorrow while we go shoot on location for 'Olympia in Obscure'. Pretty sure the only thing I really want to do is be in the film but I'm working on crew stuff so at least I'm part of the production.

Gona make some delicious chicken fajitas for dinner tonight!

Kisses and fist bumps my friends!!

Coincidence?

Sometimes I wonder how much is coincidence or fate or just sheer fucked up luck.

I've been shot, it fucking suck's. My attitude is amazing for what has happened to me. Well, to be honest, my attitude is better than most people who haven't had much bad shit happen to them. It is what it is. I'm a happy person and love my life.

So why then? Why!?! Why in the fucking hell did I have to get a random Facebook friend request from someone with the same fucking name as one of the fucking assholes who shot me? Like, hey universe you're kinda being a dick.

5 months of bullshit coming at me from a crazy psycho stalker bitch who doesn't take the hint to leave me the fuck alone even after literally kicking her out of my house. Wtf? Then dealing with people who are supposed to be an amazing part of my life but are just always rude to me no matter what the fuck is going on. Then someone vandalizing my car with lipstick days after an argument with said supposed to be amazing part of my life person and now this!!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me? Why in the fuck is some dude with the same name as that fucking prick friend requesting me. That's just fucked up.

I do know it's not the same guy tho, thankfully because that scumbag is still in jail right where he fucking belongs.

So YaY me. It's time for a change. The negativity needs to get the fuck out of my life and I'm going to insist it be sooner than later. I'm done.

Dreams coming true!

So wooohooo I'm part of the cast for 'Olympia in Obscura' a TV series being form in Olympia Washington area!

Recently I was mailed a letter I wrote myself 12 years ago. I had so many drama and goals and things I just wanted to do and being part in TV/movies was one of my main goals and just now after receiving this letter, I'm going to accomplish my goal!!!!!

Wooohooo wooohooo wooohooo

Oh my gawd

Well that was some fun drama...umm pretty much that means that she successfully made me not want to ever be around her again... Sigh... She really doesn't think she was being rude. How in the fuck doesn't she get that? Oh right she doesn't have consideration for anyone, ever.

I'm so done dealing with people who are rude to me. Now I've decided that I'm trying to be grown up and not instantly block and delete people, this is when I want to the most. Pfffftttttt!!!

Ok so that's it, everyone is going in restricted.

I can not handle any more of this crap. So much bad has happened and I am not going to be anybody's fucking victim for their anger.

Fuck u bitch. You wanna be rude, ima be way more rude and then guess what, I'm gonna fucking bitch about you on social media because I don't give a fuck who reads what I write... Besides my mom... She shouldn't read everything omg that would be horrific. I like to keep her a little sheltered, she needs it. It makes her feel good to be blissfully unaware so I'm ok with that because I love her so much I don't want her to have to deal with anything ever.

I write about the fucked up shit that happens to me, mainly because people don't really understand that even when really bad things happen you can still be a happy person and love the life you live.

Own up to who you are. Do not come at me trying to hide shit because now you got caught being a sneaky bitch when you should've just been straight with me because I literally would've told you anything and everything you could've possibly wanted to know that has anything to do with either of them. Dumbass! Now you've made me officially not like you and that's a terrible spot to be in and a very hard one to come back from. Good luck.

I'm frustrated lately. I'm angry at people who think they can just treat me terribly and think I won't say anything. She treated me like shit during the wedding extravaganza and I just let it slide because I'm not gona be the one to cause drama during that but that's over. Has been for months. I will not stand for it.

After the psycho stalker problems and having to shut that shit the fuck down which took 4 fucking months to end it, I'm over any fucking person being an asshat to me. I will straight tell you I do not like it and you can go fuck yourself. I'm done.

Ok rant over.

Basically..... This is what happened

Basically.... This is what happened, I just didn't feel like posting anything. Things kinda ticked me off for a bit and with all the sadness from all 3 of my dogs passing away (RIP Monster Squad) the holidays were just too much this year and still fantastic at the same time but some things were just fucked up. Period.

Ok so let me start with my 2 AM phone call from my biological dad who's up in Alaska. Normally I wouldn't answer after 9 PM because I know he's drunk, well this time I was sleeping and just fucking answered, my mistake. Seriously, he was a complete jackass to me. I just don't understand how a father can say such horrible things to his daughter, ever. That was Christmas Eve morning... What a fantastic way to start 2 days of family holiday fun. At least he wasn't here.

I'm frustrated with my hand. I got released from hand therapy with 25% use. That suck's on a real level of seriously fucking suck's. My work of course doesn't even understand that they need to replace me even tho I've told them to.

Let's move on to fun stuff.

I got a puppy. Rescued her from a lady who rescued the whole litter from the reservation. She's a lil fluff ball, all black, cute as a baby bear! Can't wait to see what she grows up to be!!

I don't have much else to say so I'm gonna go check on my late night snack and just chill the fuck out and go to bed in a little while.

Hugs n kisses bitches