Life really can be so overwhelming at times...
Sometimes it feels like no matter which direction I look, all I see is chaoticness. It's frustrating. It's overwhelming. It's irritating. It's life.
So many things going on.. Not sure what to do anymore... I just keep pushing forward and trying to be happy.. All I want is happiness.
My pain has been on overdrive the last couple of weeks... I take one step and it's fine, the next and it's not. I go to grab something and my hand just wont automatically grasp the item and I'll drop it. My neck is so tight I can barely look to the right, I have to turn my whole body to see. I'm sore. It hurts like hell. I don't tell anyone. I live in silent pain, suffering while you sit next to me as you only see the smile on my face and hear the stories and jokes come from my mouth. I'm constantly adjusting my leg, reason being it hurts so bad I could scream.. But I don't, I just move it again seconds later while my pain goes unnoticed. Nobody ever sees the hurt in my eyes... All they see is the smile on my face, never knowing I'm suffering so intensely right at that moment.
I do this because I want people to remember me for my happiness and love for life. Not for the pain that overwhelms my entire being and makes me scream in frustration. Sometimes, I literally scream out loud when I'm trying to do something and my physical problems hault me in my spot. It's frustrating just wanting to be happy and have fun and constantly being met with horrific pain. That's what happens when you get shot in a drive-by... Nobody tells you that tho...
After getting shot, all the focus is of keeping you alive...I get that. However, afterwards, there's no one to talk you through the hardships. People just wanna toss pills at you instead of working through the real issues. Physical pain meets mental anguish. It's exhausting and there's no real help from anyone on how to deal with it. I tell people I have PTSD and they have no idea what that means.
I don't need everyone to notice that I'm suffering, just those close to me... And most times those are the ones who notice the least. Always wrapped up in their own problems. I console, I care, I ask, I pay attention to their problems... But it's just not reciprocated. What happened to those that loved me so much they actually cared about me? It seems like the world is becoming less caring, less loving. It's sad.
I'm so good to so many people and so often people just do me wrong. It's like a bad joke at times. I mean seriously. My life is like a bad joke. Here you go happy girl... You wanna keep being happy no matter what life throws at you? Here's some more fucked up shit just for you! ... Oh... You're still smiling? Still having fun? ... Ok! Lets give you even more bad things.... Still happy? Well... Here's some more horrible stuff... -it's like it's trying to break me. I will not be broken! I will always look for the good in my everyday life, even when it seems like there is none.
Here's my ramblings, from the girl who got shot. Just another day in the life of me. I'm mostly just annoyed because I really did need at least one person to notice how much I was suffering and none of them did. I just want one person to know me so well and to actually care enough to see if I'm ok. But instead, I'm just going to keep smiling and having fun because even if the only person who truly cares is me, well then, that's the only person I need to worry about making happy. So I'm just gonna keep being happy even when I'm in pain and nobody else sees my suffering even tho it's right in front of their faces... But here, let me go out of my way to make sure I check on you and that you're OK...
