PTSD

June is PTSD awareness month

So here's my latest freak out moment:

My husband and I went for a road trip to Spokane, WA (this is the city I was shot in) for memorial day weekend to go visit my dad and friends. It was a good drive there, we even got to leave supper early and beat all the traffic because our work schedules worked out perfectly. We drank coffee, we chattered away, we had a good time.

Once in Spokane, we started our adventures. Visited with the family, contacted friends from the past, drove around and explored, went to our favorite stores, ate at delicious restaurants, we were having a blast. Then my hubby says he wants to go meet up with one of his soldiers buddies because he had some games he wanted to give him and since we're there he wouldn't need to mail them. So we went to go meet this guy at his house.

I like to know where I'm going because, in my world, it really make a difference so I mapped it. It was close to the area where I got shot. That bothered me right from the get go but we went anyways. I just figured we would go around. I really have to mentally prepare myself if I'm going to go back to that spot. It's always a flood of memories and can be extremely overwhelming but at the same time empowering to know I survived. I just have to make sure that I'm in a good place to process it emotionally. This did not happen.

I couldn't go around, the one ways took me right past it. I just wanted to get out of there. There's the street. There's the building the guys were parked at when they flipped on their lights and pulled out. There's the stop sign where they sprayed the car with bullets forever changing my life. There's the Albertsons where I lay in a pool of my own blood unable to get out of the car as I scream in pain begging for help. It's a flood of memories, intense emotions and I can not stop it.

Just a quick drive past there and everything has come rushing back. The intensity is overwhelming but I keep my calm. We're almost to his buddies house. Unfortunately when we pulled down the street we couldn't figure out which house it was so my hubby starts driving real slow.... This is what sets me off.

To most people, slowing down to look for a house number is normal. Not for me, for me it makes me think of drive-by's and that's when I started freaking out. That's when I couldn't handle it. To be only a few blocks from where I got shot and we're creeping through a neighborhood, driving all super slow. It's just not ok. At one point I made him pull over and call his buddy to make him come outside. I couldn't handle it anymore. He got his games. I got flashbacks.

The tears, the pain, the memories, the hurt were coming out and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It has to run its course. My husband was horrified that he did this unknowingly. He felt so bad. It's not his fault. He's not from there, he had no idea where it happened. Needless to say it wasn't a good drive back to my dad's.

I slowly became more calm and pushed myself back into this reality. The next day was still a little rough for me and all I could think about was how much I just wanted to leave Spokane already. Escape is always my number one way to change my attitude. New scenery, new thoughts. We left Monday morning and this happened Saturday night. Monday was my absolute favorite day of our mini vacation. I woke up happy and bright and ready to go.

PTSD never goes away. Some times are more intense than others and this was one of those times. I feel good now and am back to my normal but I know it will happen again, I just hope it's not so intense next time.